He didnt want to hook up

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Romeo and Juliet notwithstanding, in my experience women are more likely to throw caution to the winds for true love. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment, and they tend to be more practical. A guy who is planning to return to school or knows that his job may involve a move will often delay commitment. Guys hate drama, including tragic goodbyes and long talks about making long-distance relationships work. In fact, most guys would rather avoid a long-term relationship because the sex is infrequent — hardly a plus for a guy at the height of his sexual powers.

A guy who works long hours or travels a lot knows that his work life would be a constant source of stress and disappointment in a romantic relationship. Relationships involve caring for the feelings of another person. Knowing up front that your lifestyle is likely to cause another person unhappiness is a strong disincentive to getting involved.

It could be the ex. It may signal that a person is not in the right head space for a relationship right now. Or maybe they want to avoid commitment as they work on becoming their best selves. Relationships are huge long-term projects. Sometimes we already have a few projects in the works, and hesitate to add another one. Have you played hard to get? If you jerk people around and pretend to be unavailable, guess what? Relationships require honesty to build intimacy and trust right from the start.


The writers of The Rules are long since divorced. It is important to face this reality and take care of your needs. It is an act of self-empowerment to be clear about what you want, need and desire and to state this to your partner in a loving and respectful way. This is not nagging. Men are not mind-readers. They are also generally not very good at deciphering hints.

Men generally respond best to direct communication and, if he is a good man, he will want to fulfill your desires and please you. It is important to be honest with yourself about this. However, since I am looking for a relationship and you are not, I plan to begin dating other people. I see many women stay stuck in undesirable situations because of fear.

They fear they may find nothing better or they fear ultimately ending up alone. Our fear-based minds can create all kinds of negative scenarios should we consider leaving what is familiar to go in search of something more.

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Yet, what if the Universe was pre-programmed for your success? What if the desire in your heart was placed there because it is the compass telling you that you are meant for greater love? What if you trusted in a bigger plan for your life? What if you insisted to settle for nothing less than full-on love with a committed, available man?

I venture to challenge you that if you put that kind of energy and self-trust into the Universal field you just may magnetize a man to you who is not ambivalent about his commitment to you. This is definitely a challenging, emotionally charged situation with many nuances. Any time I am faced with a highly emotional situation, I need to first clarify the facts. Is it physically, mentally, or emotionally? Obviously, physical restraint is different than occasional texts when he needs something. Does he not want to commit to a monogamous relationship?

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But he still enjoys your occasional company? Is it for sex or just for a good talk? You have to assertively communicate to him your needs and wants. If he crosses these boundaries and you still let him, more than once everyone gets a free pass , you need to do some self-exploration:. What vulnerabilities or needs is he filling for you that you are having a hard time sticking to those boundaries?

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Is the excitement of his comeback stronger than the pain of him leaving you? I totally get it, it feels good when he comes back. He chose to come back to me. He just needed someone to be patient with him and show him true love, and now he knows I am the one. Maybe, but as I psychologist, I know hard habits are hard to break. Know your trigger points, your weaknesses, your soft spots and prepare for them to be challenged. Have a great support system in place to help you with that and get a LONG list of productive distractions and self-care things to do such as: Keep adding to this list, print it, and post it all over your house along with a bunch of affirmations to get you over the urge to pick up that text, phone call, or to reply on social media.

Rumination is the worst and women are notorious for torturing themselves and analyzing everything to death. Stop analyzing the crap out of everything. If you got the answers to the questions above, develop an action plan and stick to it. Ruxandra LeMay, PsyD — www. If you tend to be anxious in relationships, then RUN! His avoidance of you will trigger your anxiety, which in turn, will trigger his avoidance and so the cycle will continue. Educate yourself about attachment theory, which will help you get to know yourself better, re-evaluate your needs in a relationship and eventually exit out of this toxic cycle.

Maybe he just recently came out of a long-term relationship and is still healing but feels lonely and wants to date casually. Instead, he might be looking for companionship with someone who shares common interests. Is he ever going to develop feelings for you that go beyond companionship? He may or may not but the more important question is how much of your time are you willing to invest into waiting?

Remember, the longer you wait the stronger your feelings might get without a guarantee that his feelings will grow. He may enjoy spending time with you, but he might enjoy most of all the time you two spend in the bedroom. Does he tell you why ruin a good thing and encourages you to continue with your relations as they are? Male and female brains are wired differently which influences the effect sex has on both sexes. During sex, women release more oxytocin than men do, which makes women feel more emotionally connected to their partners than men do.

Think about the consequences: Do you lead a more lavish lifestyle than he does?

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Does he have the ability to support himself? Does he have his own place? Set financial and territorial boundaries. He might feel desperate to validate his masculinity and isn't able to provide himself with internal self-validation, so he resorts to seeking out external sources of validation, which include showing you off to others. Your own confidence will deteriorate over time if you allow yourself to be used.

Is he worth it? No one should be worth it! All the reasons listed create a lopsided relationship, which is unfair to the partner who is investing their time, energy and emotions into someone who is on the receiving end and never on the giving end of a relationship. What's critical, in any dating scenario between two people is that both are aligned on one thing - the Primary Dating Purpose.

If one sincerely wants monogamous relationship and the other truly doesn't, then they simply shouldn't be dating at all. Someone is going to get hurt and someone is going to feel like a louse. Reveal this information upfront, on your dating profile or early on, on the very first date. And for goodness sake, keep your clothes on until you have the answer to that question. No one ever called me on a Monday morning to say "Darn, I wish I'd slept with that guy That's OK too, if you're willing to invest time, energy and resources dating someone when you're both in the dark.

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